December 15, 2018

An ode to perspiration protection

Posted

There comes a point in every young man’s life when something so earth-shatteringly drastic occurs that all he knows of the world seems to be ripped away, leaving an empty, musky shell behind.

For me, this moment occurred in mid-September. I was nearing my 26th birthday, a time when many people are worried about purchasing their own health insurance, deciding whether their significant other is marriage material and finding a career to latch onto for more than a year. These issues pale in comparison to the decision I was confronted with one awful day when my morning routine was heinously disrupted.

I tend to think of myself as an easy-going guy. Willing to go with the flow, roll with the punches or some other analogy I seem to be incapable of drumming up right now. However, when a 12-year daily tradition of mine was savagely ripped away, I was admittedly broken.

I found myself spending nights holed up in my room in the fetal position. Eyes filled with tears as a result of my pungent pain, as I rocked back and forth hoping everything would return to normal.

My days were occupied by my poor attempts at hiding a level of paranoia that bordered on delirium. I suspected everyone around me could almost smell how deep this radical change had affected my life.

At first my significant other tried to console me, but eventually even she couldn’t stand to be within 5 feet of me. The manifestation of my anguish had simply become too strong for her to handle. It seemed even my dogs had turned up their noses at my dire straits, refusing to even be in the same room as I for more than 30 seconds.

I felt alone in the world.

In the beginning I placed blame on those around me for the foulness of my situation. I became bitter and resentful, which only seemed to increase the rotten funk that had descended on my existence.

Then, one fateful day, I found someone who was even worse off than I. His putrid situation seemed to outweigh my own by leaps and bounds. I _finally_ realized the only cure for my malady was to take responsibility of the situation and force myself to make meaningful change that will affect the rest of my life on this plane of existence.

So I bought a new stick of deodorant, because they just don’t make my favorite brand anymore.

Comments

Please review our community guidelines before posting

Please keep comments on topic and appropriate for all ages. Remember that people of all ages read our website. Those that are not appropriate will be removed. Please read our full community guidelines before posting.

No comments on this story | Please log in to comment by clicking here
Please log in or register to add your comment

Copyright © 2018, Sunrise Publishing. Powered by: Creative Circle Advertising Solutions, Inc.